MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
