She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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