remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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