someone owes me an orgasm
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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