I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
