Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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