im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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