Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
