My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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