They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
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