just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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