I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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