The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
