My nipple is on Facebook.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
