apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
