Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
