Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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