she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
