I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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