Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
