What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
