I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
