i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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