You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You need Xanax blowdarts
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
