I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
