so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
