I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
