I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
