Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
