Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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