when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize