The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
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