god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
