I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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