You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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