I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
