Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
