True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
not ubering you a puppy
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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