): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
