Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
