Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
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For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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