he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
