Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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