I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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