did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
