Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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