i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You were trust falling into bushes
Your penis caused this!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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