Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
