She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
