During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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