Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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