If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I enjoy the company of your penis
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
