I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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