That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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