No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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