ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
