all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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