God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
How does one acquire holy water?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
