My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
