She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
