I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We need a shit load of segways right now
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
