Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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