I just threw up on my dentist
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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